re. Barbie

["Nancy Whittier" <nwhittie email smith edu>]

Ah, Barbie....the topic of many conversations in our house!  Our 8-yo
son Jonah wanted a Barbie desperately when he was 3 or so.  His girl
friends all had them, and he was/is into a lot of that girly stuff.  We
refused, using our basic rule that if we wouldn't let a daughter have
whatever, we wouldn't let him have it either.  We talked then about how
Barbie was shaped strangely, and that sometimes women and girls started
to think they should look like Barbie and felt bad because they didn't. 
He has played with Barbie at friends' houses, but the first time or so
he asked our permission - we reassured him that it was fine to play with
Barbie at friends' houses, fine to like her, etc.  We still have
conversations about Barbie, mostly at his instigation - I told him once
about how if a real woman had breasts that big she wouldn't be able to
walk (some physical anthropologist did a nice analysis of this once) -
he found this fascinating.  

Despite all this, I admit to a secret pleasure that my SON liked Barbie.
 

Now we have a daughter, and I bet she'll get Barbies as presents.  The
birthday parties, especially, seem like where you can't control kids'
gifts.  I am not sure what we'll do about it, but I like Beth's approach
as a possibility.  I bet Jonah will be policing us, though, so we'll
have to play it by ear.

For Jonah, we found some acceptable substitutes.  He liked the plastic
ponies that have long hair on their manes and tails, and come with
brushes, and various decorative saddles and ribbons.  There are also
various dolls, not necessarily the same general size as Barbie, but that
have hair and clothes that seem to fulfill the urge to groom and change
clothes.

The main thing that we do with Jonah, and hope to do with Eva and Isaac,
is to teach him critical thinking about gender.  So we talk about
Barbie, and what our objections to her are.  We instituted a family
movie night after he came home from a friends' house having seen the
Cinderella video (about age 4), when we realized we couldn't totally
control his viewing habits anymore.  We watch a movie together and then
we critique the gender and race stereotypes.  I know, it sounds really
doctrinaire and humorless (and I do admit to having those streaks!) but
it's fun - we get to watch what's often an entertaining Disney movie,
and Jonah learns about how to notice the hidden messages.  He's a pretty
tough consumer these days.

Nancy

>>> "Bell, Beth (M. Elizabeth)" <Beth Bell astrazeneca com> 01/20/04
8:30 AM >>>
Hi Folks,
What nonsexist parenting list would be complete without the doll parents
love to hate?

Here's the (long) story:
I have three kids, Irene (4 1/2), Noah (20 months), and Charlie (20
months).
Before Irene was old enough to express a preference, we dressed her in
unisex clothing, decorated with animals, trains, and flowers. She was a
high
need/active baby and still is more active than her toddler brothers. 
There
are pleny of puzzles, balls, books, baby dolls, trains, legos, and dress
up
clothes for both sexes and a toy tree-house in our playroom.  We also
have
Jessie and Woody dolls.

I have NEVER bought a Barbie, and I didn't like them much when I was a
kid;
my practice when Irene received a gift Barbie was to let her have at it
as
long as she wanted When she lost interest in Barbie after a few days, I
would throw the doll away. Her grandma had an old box of Barbies from
the
70s, which Irene played with at Grandma's.  They have slowly migrated to
our
house.

Now Charlie is showing interest in Barbie, and I actually like to see
him
playing with these dolls. Last night he found a portrait of Barbie, and
he
carried it around looking at it adoringly for about a half-hour. Why is
it
"ok" for him to play with Barbie and not Irene?  Noah is strictly a
wheeled
vehicle kid.  THey wear their sister's hand-me-downs, which at this age
are
unisex.

At the time Barbie came out, she was revolutionary in that she was
neither a
mommy-doll, a baby-doll, or a child-doll.  She's not married, although
she
does keep Ken stringing along.  She's versatile--in her many forms she
lives
out fantasies that many people (including girls) have.  These are the
positive things I'm trying to keep in mind as I worry about the
distorted
body image and pretty-face stereotypes being imprinted on my kids.  

So, do I allow Barbie a permanent place in my home, for all kids?
My earlier strategy of discretely disposing of these dolls clearly won't
work any more. Right now Irene considers all Barbies "hers" because they
are
"girl toys."  Should I go out and get a Barbie for Charlie? Irene would
love
to have someone to play Barbies with, as I'm not interested.  What about
Noah, who isn't even interested? I shudder to think of Barbies littered
all
over the house like so many Stepford fashion dolls.  

BETH