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(ET) Tool definitions



Hi Just for fun

 

 

 

 

drill PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for  suddenly snatching flat metal

bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks  you in the chest and flings

your beer across the room, splattering it  against that freshly-stained

heirloom piece you were drying.

 

WIRE  WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the 

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned 

guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "You 

shit...."

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets  in their holes

until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW: A portable  cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off  bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters. The most often  the tool used by all women. BELT SANDER: An

electric sanding tool commonly  used to convert minor touch-up jobs into

major refinishing jobs. 

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, 

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your 

future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to  completely round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also  be used to transfer intense

welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

 

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction  of

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE  TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your  shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the

wheel hub you  want the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working  on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for  impersonating that 9/16 or ½

socket you've been searching for the last 45  minutes.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to  launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR  JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after

you have installed  your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper. 

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward  off

of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for  removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD  EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known

drill bit that snaps  neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible

future use. 

 

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most  shops to

scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

 

TWO-TON  ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything  you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very  large pry bar that inexplicably

has an accurately machined screwdriver tip  on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. 

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a 

drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which 

is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main 

purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm 

howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle 

of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. 

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids  and

for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your 

shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips 

screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A  tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws  into non-removable  screws.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes  energy produced in a coal-burning power

plant 200 miles away and transforms  it into compressed air that travels by

hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact  wrench that grips rusty bolts which were

last over tightened 30 years ago by  someone at Ford, and instantly rounds

off their heads. Also used to quickly  snap off lug nuts.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding  that clip or bracket

you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent  part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used

as a  kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the

object  we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in

walls  when hanging pictures.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through  the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works  particularly well on contents

such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in  plastic bottles, collector

magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic  parts.  Especially useful

for slicing work clothes, but only while in  use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the  garage while

yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most  often, the next

tool that you will need.

 

 

 

 

Geof Thompson BSc. CLS
Canadian Hydrographic Service           | Service Hydrographique du Canada
Fisheries and Oceans Canada             | Pêches et Océans Canada
Central and Arctic Region               | Région du Centre et de l'Arctique
P.O. Box 5050, 867 Lakeshore Road       | C.P. 5050, 867 chemin Lakeshore
Burlington, ON    L7R 4A6               |
Burlington, ON    L7R 4A6

mailto:thompsong dfo-mpo gc ca
Office | Bureau: (905) 336-4698 
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